Why do expat children want to go home?
One curious phenomenon about expats in France, at least the ones we know, is that their children reach a certain age – typically about 13 to 15 years old – and then start talking about ‘going home’.
Not all, but a pretty high percentage, seem to like the idea of going to university in the UK or just moving back anyway.
This seems to apply to other nationalities as well, not just Brits, so Dutch expat children we know talk of returning to Holland, for example. Equally strangely, it seems to apply just as much to children who can’t possibly have any ‘realistic’ memory of their country of origin, having lived in France since a very early age.
The children I’m thinking of are perfectly well integrated in French life, with plenty of French friends and no language difficulties, so it’s not due to ‘settling in’ problems. I’m talking of course of children who have spent many years in France, and most of their school life, not teenagers who were dragged to France against their will when they were 14 years old and never settled in.
OK I can see that the deep countryside of La France Profonde is pretty un-interesting for a teenager and that the bright city lights are pretty appealing, but that doesn’t explain why someone would choose Bristol over Bordeaux, for example.
It’s not a trivial question, because if parents settle in France but their children will dash away to another country at the first opportunity that will likely cause problems and frictions.
So what I’m wondering is, does this ‘going home’ trend just happen to affect people we know of or is it typical of expats everywhere?
Perhaps most importantly, do many other expat families have children who have passed through the French education system and now work happily in French companies in France?
Children do many things that are counter to the behaviour of their parents: drink wine instead of beer, refuse to eat meat, etc, etc, so “moving back” is just another of these.
It’s quite a common phenomonen amongst first generation immigrants the world over: I knew a chap at university who was born in St Albans but whose parents came from Ghana. He “went back” as soon as he graduated even though he’d never set foot in the place. On the same course was an lad who’d been born and brought up in the US to British parents and couldn’t wait to flee.
I don’t think it’s particular to France.
Its called “roots” Boris. No matter where you are in the world no matter how good your life style its not home. We lived abroad for some years and in various locations in England. Germany, France, Lancashire, Greater Manchester, Northamtonshire,Hertfordshire,Cambridgeshire, Hampshire, Sussex,West Yorkshire,Essex and Norfolk.
We could have retired anywhere, but stayed at home, for better or worse we know how it ticks. To many the grass is greener over the hill, but do you ever belong. Most children want to belong, They move back home and will then make there own mind on their final destination. With all its faults I still thing England is the best country to live in, its where I belong.
PS we also decided we would not live in Wales or Scotland as they are anti English and resent us, not as individuals but as a country.
I agree with what you are saying about ‘roots’ – but I wonder why someone feels ‘roots’ for somewhere they don’t know (like the person from Ghana in Jon’s anecdote, or children who have only ever known France)? Surely expat kids know more about how France (or wherever they live) ticks than a country they hardly know at all.
I think it is possible to get this attachment for another country – we knew some people who were English, then lived in the USA for a long time, then in France for many years – but ended up wanting to return to the US, not to England (they are still in the USA, and very happy as far as I know). I just can’t quite understand what causes the attachment if it isn’t simply caused by living there for a long time!
I think a lot of people get a buzz out of being a “minority” or different in a social group. e.g. scousers become louder and more “Liverpudlian” outside Liverpool. A kid with English ancestry from France might want to return to England for a similar reason i.e. they will get extra attention off their piers because they are interlopers/different, a compelling reason if you’re a teenager. Also England/USA as societies share a similar culture that youths in other countries love and don’t have e.g. 24hr everything, music, street culture, mcdonalds, fashion – so any opportunity to move back is expected. Ask a teenager to choose between the beauty of the Alps/French countryside and a line of coke with his/her homies in a club in South London and a shag in the toilets and I know what they might choose. I have two teenage girls by the way and they care only about how they look and how cool their friends think they look and that’s it, sad i know, but that’s English city living for you.
That’s interesting Robert, thanks. It’s certainly true that a lot of the French friends of my teenage daughters also dream of living in London / New York for exactly the reasons you mention although a lot of them have never yet ventured beyond south-west France. I’ll just give up and wave cheerio then!
Robert
Its interesting as I would always have chosen “the beauty of the Alps/French countryside” but then Mrs N has always told me I was born 40.
Curious. I have so far not come across this phenominum but we do not know many expats here in our region of France.
Our eldest daughter is now 20 and was interested in the possibility of going back to the UK for university. When the crunch came though, she was put off by two specific things:
1. the cost (did not want student debt!)
2. she has visited her best friend in the UK every year since we moved to France, and has become increasingly aware that a ‘young persons life’ in the UK is very different to her (& her French friends) lifestyle here. And she definitely prefers her social life here.
So Montpellier Uni it was, although both daughters YEARN for the UK shops, which I think will never change.
Our youngest daughter (now 14) is positively averse to going back to the UK. She feels French to her core and finds it quite disconcerting on trips back. A trifle sad, we think but part of the reality.
Our eldest daughter recognises that for a longterm career she will probably be looking at Anglo/American companies with French offices. Because fluency in 2-3 languages is still unusual in those countries (so her CV should stand out) whilst most French employees in French corporations speak multi languages, so she would have no advantage at all!
Great blog and comments! If I may add my two euro cents worth I think its got a lot to do with the fact that teenagers like an environment where there is a lot going on. Both of my sons (who have dual nationality as their mother is French) have relocated back to the UK and both at age 16.
They both spent time in Bordeaux and loved it but did not have any appreciation for the spectacular scenery or peace and quiet of French rural life.
They did not want to move to France but we (my wife and I) were convinced they would not look back after they had been here for a year – we were wrong!
Stewart – am very interested in your sons’ experiences.
Can I ask how long they had lived in France before going back?
And, when they returned to the UK, did it live up to their memories & expectations?
I often wonder if expat children (who left the UK quite a while ago and at a young age) ‘remember’ the UK through slightly rose-tinted glasses and are they ever disappointed or shaken by the reality once they go back?
We took the view originally that, even if we/the girls returned after a few years, they would at least be bilingual and have had their horizens widened. I think this is a major plus point whatever.
Hi Jacqui, We moved to the Medoc in September 2002, at that time our boys were aged 12 and 9. They travelled regularly between the two countries so they never really lost touch. The only thing they complain about in the UK is the weather!
You are so right – being bi-lingual has many advantages not least an easy A / A* at A level and better job prospects. They also have two passports.
I am sure your girls will benefit from the experience whatever country they choose to call home in the long term.
Hahaha Robert, you’re comment was hilarious!! And brave coming from a parent of teanagers!
Im an daughter of an immigrant, that has returned to the motherland, in my case Spain. You idealize the “home” country because its a place you see only on holiday, it’s a country where you never had to go to school, or be bored by routine. Ive lasted 6 years out here, but now Im ready to go back to the Uk, where most of my friends and family are. I’m idealising the uk now, after being away for 6 yrs. So there is hope she will return!