More tales from the cinema
Mrs B continues to tell me interesting stories from the cinema - you recall perhaps that she works in the local flea-pit cinema as a volunteer a few times per month, selling ice-creams and shining her torch in the faces of over amorous young French couples. She doesn’t really do the second one, I just made it up. I think she needs to be promoted a couple of times before she is allowed that much responsibility.
The interesting stories are almost always those that have happened at other people’s expense. That is why they are funny rather than humiliating. One story was about a hot day last summer, when the ‘ice-cream lady’ on duty expected no-one at all to arrive to watch an English language film, and in fact the entire cinema was completely packed. Not in itself funny…
except that the projectionist also either thought nobody would show up, or forgot to turn up for work for some other reason. Net result, hot day in a small space with no film to watch until the projectionist could be found - everyone wanted to buy ice-creams. They sold more ice cream in one afternoon than in the whole month before. But the big surprise for the cinema was that the English people all wanted vanilla ice-cream.
It was a complete mystery to her, and presumably to all French since they all seem to love chocolate with everything, why someone would ever choose to eat white / vanilla / ‘non-chocolate’ ice-cream when for the same price you could have some actual pleasure. Still the story had a happy ending, because the projectionist arrived an hour later, just as the last ice-creams were sold, the cinema made lots of money, the audience saw their film, and no-one needed to cook tea that evening because they had all eaten so many ice-creams.
A similar thing happened a while earlier, apparently, when the projector bulb went. Being a cinema that operates on a tight budget, they can’t afford to keep a spare (they cost more than 1,000 euros apparently), so the film had to be cancelled. The announcement of the cancellation came, of course, after everyone had bought their sweets and ice-creams and had sat in the dark waiting for 30 minutes. Remarkably, nobody complained, and almost the whole audience returned a week later for the reshowing of the film.
I’m quite surprised that no-one got on stage and did a Shirley and Dino routine. But perhaps you don’t know who Shirley and Dino are? Could you be so lucky? Has the rest of the world been spared this example of French culture at its most disastrous. I really can’t begin to describe how bad their act is. If you liked the singing parts of the Generation Game in 1977, never miss the eurovision song contest, find farce hysterically amusing and have had an operation to remove a significant part of your brain you might like it. Otherwise, no chance.
I mention it because, after decades of bad cabaret they are now apparently to feature in a film. Now, you might come to France for your holiday this year. One day it might be raining. The children might start crying and you might look around for some amusement. You might end up standing on the steps of a cinema, possibly our very own local cinema, thinking “shall we go in and watch this film that has such good reviews on its posters”?
When that moment arrives remember this paragraph. Do not go in. Go and sit in a dentist waiting room. Go and roll in some stinging nettles. Drive the car into a river. These will all leave long lasting memories, albeit not especially pleasant ones. But DO NOT GO IN TO THE CINEMA and watch this film.
Having warned you, I realise what I have done. In four months time, when the situation above arises, you will remember, somewhere in the back of your mind, that “Ah yes, I seem to remember hearing of this film, so it must be quite famous, let’s go in.”
If you think that could happen to you, print out this page now, fold it up neatly, and put it with your passports. That way you can re-read it closer to the time. But whatever happens, don’t say I didn’t warn you…
