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We only have one car, and a pretty ancient one at that, and although the girls are forever pleading with us to buy a new one we never seem to get round to it. Perhaps because I’m an accountant and think of cars in terms of running cost per kilometre rather than their level of comfort or whether they impress the neighbours.

Or perhaps because I am not very rich.

Anyway, we sometimes need to hire a car when one of us is going away. Last week it was Mrs B who needed one, for her grand tour of south-west France, and next week it’s me, for a quick spin around Provence.

It’s a pleasure to drive around in a nearly new car, one that can actually overtake and drive up hills, but I do have some suggestions for car-hire companies.

1) If we hire a small economical car – a Renault Clio, say – it’s not just because we are trying to save money, it’s because we want a small economical car.

So a free upgrade to a mid-range saloon (or to an Audi A6, as happened to us in the UK) is not a cause for celebration – it is simply a chance to worry about parking a nice car in a dodgy neighbourhood, or how much extra the petrol will cost. We like economical, environmentally friendly, easy to park cars!

2) If the car-hire agreement says ‘we give you the car with a tank full of petrol, please return it with a full tank of petrol’ you should not change that at collection time to ‘we have put a randomly small amount of petrol in the car for which we are charging you 20 euros, you can bring the car back empty’.

How much fuel did I get for my 20 euros or what price per litre? Who knows. Presumably, whatever was left in the vehicle from the previous hire.

Of course the hire company know full well that bringing a car back with an empty tank is more or less impossible unless you drive around with the warning light on, and only buy one litre at a time, so they make a killing on the 20 euro obligatory charge.

3. Let me choose between petrol and diesel

Very few car-hire companies let you choose between petrol and diesel at the time of renting; it seems to be the luck of the draw when you turn up. It does make a difference, especially when the hirer has a lot of kilometres to cover.

I’m saying all this just moments before setting off to collect my own hire car – in principal a Peugeot 207 ‘or similar’. So if you see someone trendy driving a new Mercedes through Aix-en-Provence on Tuesday that’s probably me.

I’ll be in the car, of course, driving around in circles and unable to find a parking space big enough for my ’small but functional’ car-rental.