Do you like the French
This is part four of the would you suit life as an expat in France series. Reading the previous entries won’t make you any better informed and might well make you bitter and resentful, but if you must, take a look at the ‘Expat requirements’ category.
One question that was posed was, ‘Do you like French people?’ Now I’ll spend five minutes thinking of a response that doesn’t threaten to get me evicted from the country.
A couple of identifiable differences might be:
- a stronger bond with family, possibly at the expense of a lesser bond with those outside the family
- more insular than some nationalities i.e. initially harder to get to know very well, and less willing to talk about ‘family’ issues outside the family. (In my experience, Americans are at the opposite end of the spectrum - they will invite you into their home as soon as they have met you once, and be best friends within the hour. British fall between the two.)
These differences are important, because if you understand them you will have more realistic expectations when you arrive in France.
It will take time to get to be friends with French families (years rather than months, often). You can’t expect to move into a small French community that has been established for centuries, and be accepted immediately, even if you speak perfect French.
I should say that during my life I have spent several years in each of England, Wales, Scotland and France. It is my feeling that the last three of these countries all have a sense of patriotism and national identity, to more or less the same degree. England much less so.
But generally you can reject all the misconceptions that you might have picked up over the years, and be prepared for French people who are, contrary to what certain parts of the media would have you believe, just like the rest of us.
Just to finish on a grumpy note, the shopping experience in France - especially when you have a problem or want to return a broken item - can give you the impression that the French are rude and unhelpful. And the Paris Tourism Board recently issued a note suggesting to their hoteliers that the occasional smile or helpful gesture to a tourist might not go amiss. Try not to mistake poor customer service (of which there is a great deal in France) with some general national trait of rudeness - the two aren’t quite the same thing.
Hey! thanks for this article, I really needed something that would answer the question “How do French people act?” and I found it! I thought I would never find something like this on the internet, I’m not too good at searching things I want specifically. Thanks again!
I’ve found the french to be very friendly and we have quite a few french friends. In fact, in times of crisis, it has been our french friends we have called on, and they have never let us down. This may be down to them being french or it may be down to them being country people and perhaps rural folk are friendlier world-wide.
It is true, the french concept of “customer service” still leaves a little to be desired, but then the quest for rural community and a lifestyle that is 30 years in the past is a two-edged sword.
I spent yesterday afternoon with a French friend who came round unprompted and unasked to help me chop up an old tree that had fallen down, and happily spent the afternoon here working on it, no reward expected or accepted.
So yes, I agree, when you have made French friends they will be genuine, sincere friendships. It took us a long time to reach that point however.
I’m French. Age 0-20 in France, 20-30 in the US, 30-now between Germany and Switzerland. As far as I know, France/Germany/Switzerland are identical when it comes to “making friends”.
1) In the US, everybody who has remotely met you once instantly calls you “friend”. They don’t know your birthdate. They never call you up. Eventually, they move away without notice and you never hear from them again.
2) In F/G/S, it takes years to get true friends. Once you do, though, it’s like family only better. These people will chop up a cumbersome dead body for you and commit perjury in court.
In the end, anywhere you might be in the world, if you look for a true friend, you’ll have to “work hard”. Friendship is not a benign feeling. The word “friend” is totally jaded in English. Means nothing anymore. But in French and German, you’d better be careful how you use the words “ami” and “freund”. Don’t throw them to the face of acquaintances just “to be nice”. They’ll think you’re playing them for idiots, somehow trying to sweet talk them into doing something they don’t really want to do.
I am blessed with French, US, German friends - amongst others. But I can count them all on my 10 fingers only. I got tons of acquaintances, though. It’s not any harder or easier to make friends in France than it is in the US. In general, the French loath shallow relationships and will not welcome you into their inner circle if you fail to show true feelings to them. Americans might give you at first the illusion that you’re in, but it also takes time to truly befriend them.
A few tips :
1) *always* return invitations. I mean, every single time. A dinner for a dinner, an apéro for an apéro. Don’t be thrifty! “on ne marche pas sur une jambe” !
2) on the 3rd meeting (and all subsequent meetings), talk about sex. Let it all out (metaphorically speaking…).
3) *never* talk about salaries/how much you make. It’s bad taste and boring.
4) accept *all* gifts you might be offered. Take the homemade stuff you don’t even like. Let them help whenever they offer help. It’s always coming from the heart and they don’t expect any favor in return (except in rule 1 above).
5) show up unexpectedly once in a while (apéro time is best). Bringing along a good bottle of wine is recommended. Use any excuse necessary (e.g. I’m bringing some lettuce from my garden).
6) argue with them around the table. Challenge them on politics, education, sex, etc… speak loudly, be affirmative. Disagree. Display ludicrous bad faith. And pour more booze in everyone’s glass.
Oh god I think I’m going to cry with fear. My French husband is so keen to move back to France he has landed himself a good job in an industry he loves. He is fed up with the weather in Scotland. I am terrified. I have just read the blog on schools, I have three children 5, 2 and 1 and now I am worried that the French system isn’t as good as the Scottish system.
I have always been aware that the French can appear a bit stand off ish, my husband won’t help a stranger unless they ask where as I will go out of my way to help someone in need. That’s the difference between our nationalities.
I really need some positive facts to help me support my husband and look forward to our new adventure in France.
Positive facts? No problem! Your husband is French so difficulties with language and integrating will be much reduced for the rest of you; your children are young enough that they won’t have problems adjusting; and it sounds like money won’t be an issue either (it often is for non-French expats, since finding work for an non-French-national expat is often difficult).
From the posts others have made on this blog it’s clear that some children have problems - but from what I’ve seen the large majority just adjust and get on with life (often better than their parents).
Small country schools are different from big city schools of course.
Anyway, don’t worry too much, it will work out well I’m sure (we are still very happy here after 7 years).
Good luck!!