I am a bit concerned today about one of Mrs B’s more exuberant gardening gestures.

At the back of the house we have a nice terrace, with views over miles of beautiful countryside. Then, at the back of the terrace (between us and the view) is a small area of garden, separating us from the fields beyond. All very nice and tranquil, what more could I ask for?

Well, I asked for a bit more excitement in the garden, and claimed that the terrace would be more ‘cosy’ if the plants in the garden next to the terrace were large and beautiful. Not blocking the view completely, but giving a bit of interest to the area and perhaps a bit of a wind-break. All this conversation took place last year.

Usually any comments I make on the subject of gardening are ignored, on the grounds I haven’t got a clue, but this time, remarkably, I have been taken at my word. One of the plants, that last year was a mere 20 centimetre tiddler, is this year a two metre giant. I casually asked about it, and Mrs B told me it was a Black Bamboo.

Well frankly it isn’t at all black, so I assumed it was just a technical expression. But then I happened upon a website about Black Bamboo, and it has got me a bit worried.

Seems there are two types of bamboo – those that stay in one place, called ‘clumping’, and those that spread like wildfire around your property, and can only be stopped by installing one metre high concrete barricades in the floor. Guess what, Black Bamboo is the second type.

Worse, it grows six metres tall, and has canes up to five centimetres across. Now when I talked about protection from the wind that wasn’t quite what I had in mind. A vertical wall six metres high and completely black will do little to improve the amount of light we get in the house, or the view, and sooner or later I understand it will prise the terrace off the floor and march unstoppably into the kitchen.

On the plus side, as I have now learned, it is a very attractive plant. The canes are ebony black – towards the end of the season, which is why I can’t see any black yet – and the little leaves are bright green. From the pictures I have seen it will be very beautiful.

I will also apparently be able to make a house with a roof from the bamboo, furnish it with bamboo furniture, and then settle down to eat bamboo tips for tea, and drink from a bamboo cup.

So it should certainly be a practical plant to have, and perhaps that is the plan – when it has finished demolishing our house and home with its unstoppable growing power, I can build a replacement house from the bamboo itself, and we can live happily ever after in there instead.